do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
