Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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