i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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