We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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