I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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