you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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