nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
