We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
then he tried to convert me to islam
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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