I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
