you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
