I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
