the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
