did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
