If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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