Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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