everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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