So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
