Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
