i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
