I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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