he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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