dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
