A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
