The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
