I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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