I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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