i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
