ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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