Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
