i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
