glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
