Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
