i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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