Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
