i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize