I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
