New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
