I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You smell like stripper and shame
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
your like the ambassador to my penis.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
