my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
