I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
