i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize