And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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