They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
