you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
