my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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