you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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