my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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