No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
