He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
