my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize