Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
