Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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