Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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