my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
