My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
