I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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