and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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