I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
