That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
