where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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