Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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