New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
