Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
