I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
