i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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