Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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