I should be sponsored by Trojan
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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