It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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