census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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